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| A member of the Astro Marines team, as depicted in the game |
Part 1
Rikk: Howdy
there Sports Fans. Rikk Slinger and Takei Coates here. It looks set
to be another beautifully brutal game of Slamjet today.
Takei:
That’s right, Rikk. And we’re gonna be here bringing you all the
action for Tyrant TV. Today’s match sees the Fanboys go up against
the Astro Marines.
Rikk: Ha.
There’s gonna be a definite weight advantage going on in this game!
Takei: Too
right, Rikk. Slametric data, stretching back decades, will tell you
that the Marines have won 90% of the games when facing the Fanboys
and have always won on the injury infliction score.
Rikk: Not
that we condone the injury infliction score of course as does no one
else employed by Tyrant TV.
Takei: You
said it, Rikk. Tyrant TV and its associated sponsors promote clean
and family friendly hyper violent blood sports. But we’re well
aware that many fans-
Rikk: And
book keepers.
Takei: -That
many enthusiasts take a keen interest in all statistics associated
with the sport, most prominent amongst them the Tooth Count…
Rikk: How
many teeth a player has lost since his professional career began.
Takei: The
Tooth Fairy Count…
Rikk: How
many teeth a player has knocked out of other players since his career
began.
Takei: The
Bone Breaker Count and the Bone Breakee Count…
Rikk: Like
the tooth counts but with bones.
Takei: And
the Illegal Tackle Combo.
Rikk: I’m
sure we’ll see plenty of those today. It brings to mind a
particularly spectacular tackle the last time these two teams met.
Ryan Halting, a veteran of the Marines with muscle mass of about 300
kilos and a body chemistry that is 80% performance enhancers,
executed one of the most fantastic illegal tackles on Tiberius
Kirkson, a then rookie of the Fanboys; now retired.
Takei: I
believe I remember the tackle in question. This would be the one
where Halting pulled Kirkson’s feet up behind his shoulders and
tied his shoe laces through his nostrils?
Rikk: And
then bowled him through the goal. That’s the one.
Takei:
Hopefully we can expect to see much more of that today.
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| A member of the Fanboys team, as depicted in the game |
Part 2
Rikk: And
Hirschel Bloater’s jumped his craft into the air for a volley
and…Ouch!
Takei:
You’ve got to remember to watch out for those buzz saws. They do
come out of the walls at all heights.
Rikk: He’s
got no one to blame but himself. The buzz saw warning light was
flashing-
Takei: All
30 watts of it.
Rikk: -in
accordance with Slamjet Health and Safety rules.
Takei:
Player safety being of utmost importance in this sport.
Rikk:
Strangely many of the players were actually against many of the
safety rules when they were initially rolled out. Particularly the
rules on wearing armour - but then Ghast Jamber of the Hogs used his
helmet to put a member of the Cortex Crusaders into a 6 month coma
and all the players changed their minds.
Takei: And
the Fanboys have substituted Hirschel for Truant Phoenix, a
relatively inexperienced player, this’ll be his fourth appearance
for the Fanboys.
Rikk: The
Marines take possession and throw it to the far side. Phoenix has
gone straight for it.
Takei: I
hope he’s remembered about the-
Rikk: OH! I
looks like he hadn’t. Well, we look forward to his fifth
appearance. Boss Jurgen on the Marines side deftly nips in and grabs
the ball before the next sub makes it into the arena.
Takei: His
teammate is coming down the opposite wing looking for the cross.
Jurgen’s spotted him and hammers it across. They’ve got it past
Gretel, she’s still on her own out their for the fanboys.
Rikk: You’d
think they’d be called the fanpeople in deference to their female
players?
Takei: We
can muse on that later Rikk. The goal’s wide open and Boss takes
the shot!
Rikk: Oh my!
Vincent Picard has appeared on the goal line and deflected it.
Takei:
Serious last minute stuff there, Rikk.
Rikk: It
wouldn’t surprise me if Picard was deliberately waiting for that
last minute opportunity. That’s what makes him such a crowd
pleaser.
Takei: The
Fanboys fans are going absolutely wild down there.
Rikk: I
think they prefer to be called fans squared.
Takei:
They’re certainly square alright.
