Wednesday 6 March 2013

Slamjet Stories - The Commentators

Writer Leon Osborne, who contributed the first Slamjet Stadium fiction to the blog has come up with some more fantastic work, which really captures the setting I'd envisioned for the game. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I have!
A member of the Astro Marines team, as depicted in the game
Part 1

Rikk: Howdy there Sports Fans. Rikk Slinger and Takei Coates here. It looks set to be another beautifully brutal game of Slamjet today.
Takei: That’s right, Rikk. And we’re gonna be here bringing you all the action for Tyrant TV. Today’s match sees the Fanboys go up against the Astro Marines.
Rikk: Ha. There’s gonna be a definite weight advantage going on in this game!
Takei: Too right, Rikk. Slametric data, stretching back decades, will tell you that the Marines have won 90% of the games when facing the Fanboys and have always won on the injury infliction score.
Rikk: Not that we condone the injury infliction score of course as does no one else employed by Tyrant TV.
Takei: You said it, Rikk. Tyrant TV and its associated sponsors promote clean and family friendly hyper violent blood sports. But we’re well aware that many fans-
Rikk: And book keepers.
Takei: -That many enthusiasts take a keen interest in all statistics associated with the sport, most prominent amongst them the Tooth Count…
Rikk: How many teeth a player has lost since his professional career began.
Takei: The Tooth Fairy Count…
Rikk: How many teeth a player has knocked out of other players since his career began.
Takei: The Bone Breaker Count and the Bone Breakee Count…
Rikk: Like the tooth counts but with bones.
Takei: And the Illegal Tackle Combo.
Rikk: I’m sure we’ll see plenty of those today. It brings to mind a particularly spectacular tackle the last time these two teams met. Ryan Halting, a veteran of the Marines with muscle mass of about 300 kilos and a body chemistry that is 80% performance enhancers, executed one of the most fantastic illegal tackles on Tiberius Kirkson, a then rookie of the Fanboys; now retired.
Takei: I believe I remember the tackle in question. This would be the one where Halting pulled Kirkson’s feet up behind his shoulders and tied his shoe laces through his nostrils?
Rikk: And then bowled him through the goal. That’s the one.
Takei: Hopefully we can expect to see much more of that today.

A member of the Fanboys team, as depicted in the game

Part 2

Rikk: And Hirschel Bloater’s jumped his craft into the air for a volley and…Ouch!
Takei: You’ve got to remember to watch out for those buzz saws. They do come out of the walls at all heights.
Rikk: He’s got no one to blame but himself. The buzz saw warning light was flashing-
Takei: All 30 watts of it.
Rikk: -in accordance with Slamjet Health and Safety rules.
Takei: Player safety being of utmost importance in this sport.
Rikk: Strangely many of the players were actually against many of the safety rules when they were initially rolled out. Particularly the rules on wearing armour - but then Ghast Jamber of the Hogs used his helmet to put a member of the Cortex Crusaders into a 6 month coma and all the players changed their minds.
Takei: And the Fanboys have substituted Hirschel for Truant Phoenix, a relatively inexperienced player, this’ll be his fourth appearance for the Fanboys.
Rikk: The Marines take possession and throw it to the far side. Phoenix has gone straight for it.
Takei: I hope he’s remembered about the-
Rikk: OH! I looks like he hadn’t. Well, we look forward to his fifth appearance. Boss Jurgen on the Marines side deftly nips in and grabs the ball before the next sub makes it into the arena.
Takei: His teammate is coming down the opposite wing looking for the cross. Jurgen’s spotted him and hammers it across. They’ve got it past Gretel, she’s still on her own out their for the fanboys.
Rikk: You’d think they’d be called the fanpeople in deference to their female players?
Takei: We can muse on that later Rikk. The goal’s wide open and Boss takes the shot!
Rikk: Oh my! Vincent Picard has appeared on the goal line and deflected it.
Takei: Serious last minute stuff there, Rikk.
Rikk: It wouldn’t surprise me if Picard was deliberately waiting for that last minute opportunity. That’s what makes him such a crowd pleaser.
Takei: The Fanboys fans are going absolutely wild down there.
Rikk: I think they prefer to be called fans squared.
Takei: They’re certainly square alright.